HAPPY NEW YEAR FELLOW TRAVELERS!
Admiratio obrepserit (Surprise of surprises), we are into the eleventh edition of “The Fat Bastard Gazette!” As you can see from the photograph above, our Good Captain is seen waxing effusively over the prospect of more issues to come in the weeks ahead.
We at “The Fat Bastard Gazette” would like to congratulate the staff members who helped make this possible. First up is Edgar Small, a man with a mission to put our best articles forward and put the rest on the back page. This is a no nonsense kind of guy: his favorite dinner, Maalox®, his favorite snack, Tums®, favorite drink Glenlivet.
Flatfoot Willie is no slouch when it comes to running down a story. He turns over every bushel basket in town to find the burning candle of truth hidden from sight. Flatfoot is nobody’s fool: his favorite dinner, Beef Tartar, his favorite snack, Chooz®, favorite drink, Jack Daniels® with a Maalox® back.
Bubbly, vivacious Mona La Rue keeps all the staff members straight, nothing slips her purview. Not only is she chief copy editor but she is also an excellent fact checker. Mona will pin your ears back if you try to slip one past her! The ever-vigilant Mona likes Caesar salads for dinner, Pepcid® for a snack, and drinks Rusty Nails. Mona doesn’t get headaches she gives them.
Clarence has been with us for one month, but he is already a rising star in our bullpen of writers. It is too early to hang a moniker on Clarence. We are working on it. No monkeyshines when Clarence is at the keyboard: his favorite dinner, steak rare, his favorite snack Pepto-Bismol®, favorite drink, Boiler Makers made with Jack Daniels® of course.
As for the Captain’s health, he is doing quite well after gastric sleeve surgery. All minor pain is gone and the small laparoscopic incisions are all but healed. However, Captain is experiencing some gastric reflux at times due to eating too quickly. Q. must eat very, very slowly compared to the way he used to eat. Q. has lost the feeling of fullness until it is too late at times. These are minor irritations and they will be overcome with time, Nexium® and plenty of negative reinforcement. Regurgitation is quite unpleasant unless you are a bird.
Captain Hank and Staff
Dear Hail-Fellows well met, “The Fat Bastard Gazette” is written and edited by your favorite curmudgeons Captain Hank Quinlan and
Staff (monkeys in the back room). We offer an ongoing tirade to support or offend anyone of any large dimension, cultural background, religious affiliation, or color of skin. This gazette rails against an eclectic mix of circus ring ne’er do wells, big ring fatty and fatso whiners, congenital idiots, the usual motley assortment of the profoundly dumbfounded, and a favorite of intelligent men everywhere, the
“Great Booboisie.” Nor shall we ignore the wide assortment of shirkers, layabouts, and slugabeds.
All this and more always keeping our major focus on “Why so fat?” Enough said? We at “The Fat Bastard Gazette” think so. If you like what you read, and you know whom you are, in this yellow blog, tell your friends. We would be elated with an ever-wider readership. We remain cordially yours, Captain Hank Quinlan and the Monkeys in the back room
“The Fat Bastard Gazette” does not purport to offer any definitive medical or pharmaceutical advice whatsoever in any explicit or implied manner. Always consult a qualified physician in all medical or pharmaceutical matters. “The Fat Bastard Gazette” is only the opinion of informed nonprofessionals for the general edification and entertainment of the greater public.
No similarities to any existing names or characters are expressed or implied. We reserve the right to offend or support anybody, anything, or any sacred totem across the globe.