EARLY EDITION THE FAT BASTARD GAZETTE VOL. 1 NO. 1


 

Good Day Fellow Travelers:

Thus begins the  “The Fat Bastard Gazette.”

“Why so fat?” Do all the fatties  (i.e. hereafter considered the female gender) and fatsos  (i.e. hereafter considered the male gender) realize the social as well as physical implications of their more often than not self-inflicted, pathetic condition? The esteemed Captain certainly does. Let us enumerate only a few of the vast plethora of conditions and inconveniences point by point.

Ample pulchritude for one and all.
Ample pulchritude for one and all.

Obesity survey

  • Does one really want to join the legion of the very, very, and morbidly obese?
  • Is your most fervent desire to become one of the ambulatory obese circus performers who think they should not pay more for the privilege of taking two or more seats in any public conveyances? By what right do you clowns deserve monetary privilege?
  • “You may be morbidly obese if you are more than 100 pounds over your ideal body weight; have a Body Mass Index (BMI) over 40; have a BMI over 35 and are experiencing severe negative health issues, such as high blood pressure or diabetes, related to being severely overweight; or are unable to achieve a healthy body …” (Morbidly Obese – University of South Alabama Health System).
  • Does one really want to resign oneself to a daily regimen of anti-fungal spray or cream to stave off a nasty, red, and raw fungal condition under those developing folds of fat?
  • Does one enjoy the possibility of developing nasty, nasty bedsores? Our Good Captain observing some so deep that the femur (i.e. thighbone) is exposed. More often than not one insidious consequence of morbid obesity is the dreaded or most certainly should be dreaded malady termed diabetes. One deleterious effect of this malady being extensive nerve damage; left untreated it ravages the body effecting the ability to sense pressure or discomfort, result the bedsore.
  • What is to be done about hygienic matters concerning the very, very fat? Are you the readers all aware of what awaits the morbidly obese? The infamous hospital bed bath and a long list of other repetitive, hilarious, indignities lie in wait for the clowns of obesity. The Captain as Ringmaster knows firsthand. He certainly rolled enough of the morbidly obese, usually along with two others, on their side to give the slap dash, poor excuse for a proper bath or shower, bed bath. And while at it, shoving the light mauve plastic bed pan under what appears to be the right spot for bladder relief and anal defecation, only to discover he et al. missed the sweet spot and so had to change all the bed linen while having to repeat an abbreviated bed bath. This part of the Circus Maximus entertainment taking at least 30 delightfully fun-filled minutes or more. Add to this all the oral and IV medications along with any focused assessments another 45 minutes and one has a real crowd pleaser on one’s hands.
  • Do you relish a diminished quality of life? One spent on an especially sized hospital bed with: weight sensor proportional control air mattress, automatic side-to-side turning capability to prevent prevalent nasty bedsores, built-in bed scale; automatic upper/lower body controls that allow one to assume the sitting position, and the all-important obese clown pleaser, fanfare please, the emergency deflate. All this so The Good Captain et al. can perform activities of daily living as well as advanced CPR when you present and obese clowns of the future go into cardiac arrest ; an almost guaranteed certainty as a member of the very, very fat.
  • Some inexpensive, Big Top medications released as generics frequently prescribed to treat secondary medical conditions related to morbid obesity; favorites include but are not limited to: Metoprolol (Lopressor), Doxazosin (Cardura), and not to be undone paroxetine (Paxil).

       Lopressor

  • More common
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • convulsions
  • decreased urine
  • dry mouth
  • increased thirst
  • light-headedness, dizziness, or fainting
  • loss of appetite
  • mood changes
  • muscle pain or cramps
  • nausea or vomiting
  • numbness or tingling in the hands, feet, or lips
  • shortness of breath
  • slow or irregular heartbeat
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • Less common
  • Ankle, knee, or great toe joint pain
  • decreased ability to exercise
  • difficult or labored breathing
  • joint stiffness or swelling
  • lower back or side pain
  • swelling of the face, fingers, feet, or lower legs
  • tightness in the chest
  • wheezing

       Cardura

  • More common
  • Dizziness or lightheadedness
  • Less common
  • Blurred vision
  • confusion
  • dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position
  • fainting (sudden)
  • fast and pounding heartbeat
  • irregular heartbeat
  • shortness of breath
  • sweating
  • swelling of feet or lower legs
  • Rare

Painful or prolonged erection of the penis (called priapism), although extremely rare, must have immediate medical attention. If painful or prolonged erection occurs, call your doctor or go to an emergency room as soon as possible

        Paxil

  • More common
  • Dizziness or lightheadedness
  • Less common
  • Blurred vision
  • confusion
  • dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position
  • fainting (sudden)
  • fast and pounding heartbeat
  • irregular heartbeat
  • shortness of breath
  • sweating
  • swelling of feet or lower legs
  • Rare
  • Painful or prolonged erection of the penis (called priapism), although extremely rare, must have immediate medical attention. If painful or prolonged erection occurs, call your doctor or go to an emergency room as soon as possible

(Data sources include Micromedex® (updated May 6th, 2014), Cerner Multum™ (updated June 16th, 2014), Wolters Kluwer™ (updated June 12th, 2014) and others. To view content sources and attributions, refer to our editorial policy. Copyright © 2000-2014 Drugs.com. All rights reserved)

The bold, italicized side effects are those incurred by Captain Quinlan while being medicated for morbid obesity by these very same drugs. Captain Quinlan, for the curious still reading up to this point, finally took notice at a somewhat debilitating weight of 305 lbs. or 21.8 stone; hefty baggage to drag along for a 63 yr. old slugabed, 6-foot man. This self-inflicted, unhealthful behavior did not bode well for The Dear Captain.  Big Q. has now lost 40 lbs. in one month related to vigorous cardio exercise and change in diet. He is off the Lopressor and Cardura. The Captain’s blood pressure is only 10 points above the ideal 120/80. The swelling in ankles and feet is gone.  “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son” or Captain guilty of two out of three offences (As spoken by The Venerable Dean Vernon Wormer, Animal House 1978).

The Venerable Dean Vernon Wormer

The Venerable Dean Vernon Wormer

 

So many topics of consequence and the farcical shall not go unremarked. Remain vigilant for upcoming editions of “The Fat Bastard Gazette.” Remember dear readers, we publish or perish. A brief missive indicates to “T.F.B.G.” staff and Our Good Captain that discerning individuals and possibly a few members of the Booboisie, who could benefit greatly, are reading the Gazette. We shall also unflaggingly remain true to The Most Venerable and Illustrious Muckraker of all time, H. L. Mencken. This giant among commentators

The Most Venerable H. L. Mencken

loubalt11

 

gave us not only the benefit of his unique style, wit,  and wisdom but the most apt term in the English vernacular. What term is it you might ask? It is the term “Booboisie,” (Boob·oi·sie [boo-bwah-zee] noun – a segment of the public composed of uneducated, uncultured persons.)

As Always We Remain Cordially  Yours,                                   Captain Quinlan, the Staff, and All Hail Fellows Well Met

“The Fat Bastard Gazette” does not purport to offer any definitive medical or pharmaceutical advice whatsoever in any explicit or implied manner. Always consult a qualified physician in all medical or pharmaceutical matters. “The Fat Bastard Gazette” is only the opinion of informed nonprofessionals for the general edification and entertainment of the greater public.  

 No similarities to any existing names or characters are expressed or implied. We reserve the right to offend or support anybody, anything, or any sacred totem across the globe.

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